Last Wednesday was Shani's sixth birthday.
Another first,
another milestone,
another step along the way,
another tough day but one that we'll get through because 'that's what we do',
another day to be together as a family and have some fun
another time to grieve and remember
another day of tears
Last Saturday we spent some time at the first Tea in the Park of the year - it's an opportunity for the local community to congregate and picnic and play in a small park and playground in Borehamwood.
We used to push Shani on the swings here and watch her wander around the little climbing frame and help her zoom on her scooter up and down the park paths.
We don't really go into the playground any more because J and T are a bit too old but we watch the swings and imagine our Little S on there, having a great time, laughing and calling out 'push higher Daddy!'.
Likewise in synagogue, particularly on Friday evenings during the Kabblat Shabbat service filled with joyous songs and prayer, I picture Shani sitting where we used to sit, balancing and sitting on the folded up seats (because she refused to sit on the seats when they folded down from the pews), or wandering up and down the aisle like she owned the place and popping her smiley face around the mechitzah between the men and women's sections, or sitting on her own in the women's section because she was a big girl and could do that, or me carrying her during the beautiful tunes swaying and dancing together.
After we left Tea in the Park, we saw a giant rainbow appear in the sky, the first I'd seen since we left the hospital on the day that Shani died. Perhaps a sign from Shani to us and the whole community that she's also thinking of playing on those swings.
Sometimes I picture Shani and just smile ruefully, and sometimes tears come to my eye. Either way, for some reason I carry on reciting the prayers, perhaps because it feels like some kind of affirmation that life goes on, life without.
I used to be so excited by Shani's birthdays - she'd made it through another year, she'd outwitted fate again, she'd astounded the doctors, she'd smiled and giggled in the face of despair, she'd been normal yet again, she'd play with her wonderful friends and show how much she was enjoying life.
This year, Juliet had the lovely idea of taking all of the gifts that we had been sent for Shani whilst she was in hospital, and giving them to the community nurses that used to visit Shani at home to check that she was doing ok in between GOSH appointments. In particular to D who was the nurse that visited most of the time, and D said that she would ensure that the gifts were distributed to the other children that the nurses were visiting.
We might do something similar again next year to mark Shani's birthday.
The four of us spent the day in Brighton (well, Hove actually) being together and doing some things that Shani would have liked to have done:
eating white ice cream
playing in the Lagoon playground
sitting on the beach
filling a bucket with shells
watching the waves crash
And then, under a clear blue sky, reciting Now I Am Six, slightly amended, by A A Milne.
It's been a tough week - Juliet's birthday, Shani's birthday, Pesach approaching fast - but, with the support of one another, and our wonderful friends and family, we'll make it to next week intact and then start thinking about what comes next.
Happy birthday Shani
Love you forever xxx
