Sorrento, Italy.
Six months ago today we still had hope.
Six months ago today we didn't want to tell the kids how bad things might get because we still thought that there was a way back.
Six months ago today we thought that the medical team in intensive care would find a way to fix all of the problems that Shani had and get her to wake up.
Six months ago today we believed that Shani would prove everyone wrong again, as she had so often before, and find a way to live and laugh again.
Six months ago today we still had hope.
...
...
Exactly a year ago, after work, I met Juliet and the kids (Joel, Tammy and Shani), in town near St Paul's Cathedral, to hunt for Dreams that had been left in glass cases all over London by the BFG.
Shani had the best time, laughing and getting excited when we found the Dream cases.
I remember her being so delighted to see me appear in town after work, and I got to whizz her around in her wheelchair in the streets near to St Paul's, and all of us having pizza together and getting the train back home.
Simple pleasure.
But so wonderful.
Now denied - a reality away.
Back beyond the impossible dream.
A week ago, we were preparing to go on holiday as a family without Shani for the first time.
A important time, not for healing but for enjoying.
For building memories together, because we can't live our lives fixed in amber with only the memories of the past, we have to make the memories of the future.
We have to reclaim the right to smile and laugh.
We have to learn to give ourselves permission to have fun.
We have to remember to grieve whilst seizing every moment to live life to the full.
We have to keep Shani with us whilst we do things without her.
Most of the time that's ok.
We've dropped jaws in the Sistine Chapel,
been awe struck in the Colosseum,
splashed around fountains in Rome,
swum in Sorrento
But sometimes it's really hard.
When we're relaxing by the pool and there's too much time to think
Or we're walking through town, or swimming in the pool, and remembering Shani being with us, laughing or chatting or complaining!
On Tuesday it's going to be six months to the day.
I'll still try to have fun.
To ensure that Joel and Tammy are smiling.
But I miss her.
So much.
