Fri Dec 29
I wrote this back in March but couldn't post it at the time.
I wrote this back in March but couldn't post it at the time.
It's been a long December but there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last ...
There has to be something to anchor to, something to stop the drowning, the sinking, the falling.
Otherwise there are no ways to carry on, nothing to carry on for.
Sometimes it's words of comfort from others.
Sometimes it's rationalizing what's happened just enough to make it bearable - even if it might not really be the truth, it is at least a truth.
And sometimes it is a real anchor, a foundation to build the future on.
For instance, during the Shiva, when I pointed out that all of our prayers and the prayers of so many friends around the world felt like they were in vain, Rebbitzen A pointed out that maybe those prayers had in some small way helped Shani to have the wonderful vibrant life that she had over the past six years, or maybe they meant that the end to that life came with less distress and suffering for her.
We'll never know for sure but as long as the possibility is there, it can help.
There's the fact that we had the past four years at all - four years that the doctors said could never happen. It's an idea that should make it marginally easier to hold on, as if we're then grateful to have had those extra four years. But I find this one a hard one to digest. Yes, of course, it means that we have all of those wonderful memories of Shani that we would otherwise never have had, but why only four extra years? Why not five? Or ten? Or fifty?
But perhaps this was the right time.
What would have happened if she had recovered only to deteriorate again in a few years time, by which point she would have been old enough to know exactly what was going to happen to her? We had always put our hopes in medical science to come up with a long term solution but that might never have materialized. In reality it was more likely that Shani would not have made it and would have been so much more distressed knowing what her future looked like.
Is that true? I don't know, but that fact that it might be true can be an anchor and a comfort. Some tiny positive to take from a tragedy - sometimes that's all we have.
There's a similar truth that we have from the doctors: the operation had to happen when it did. Because one of things that is hardest to bear is that Shani was 'fine' when she went into hospital. She'd had fun at school that morning. She'd been singing in the car and quoting 'dumb Debbie' in an American accent in the car.
But, as I said at the funeral, she was getting bluer and slowing down a bit more each month. So the doctors say that they had to operate or she would have started getting breathless and distressed at home and the operation would then have been much riskier.
It does help, it must help, to know that all of the doctors that we spoke to, including Dr B in Israel, agreed that the operation had to happen, But what if it hadn't ...
Juliet's take on all of this is based on the idea that there is nothing that we can do to change what has happened: all we can do is change what happens next.
It's a very Jewish outlook - the real reason that we read from the Torah is not to find out the truth about what happened but to understand how we should live our lives and make the world a better place.
No one is saying that this is an easy route to take, but at least it says that there is a route, there is a future, there is something to look forward to, there are new meanings to build, there are children to look after and comfort and provide with love and fun and wonderful experiences for many, many years to come.
When our friends lost their little girl just over a year ago, it was suggested that the reason they were given their daughter to look after for such a short period of time is because they were people so strong, so good and so loving that they could give her a lifetime in just a few years and then be strong enough to keep loving and keep giving afterwards.
And it's this thought of keeping going afterwards, of making something good come out of something so terrible, of helping Shani to make the world a better place long after she has gone, that is one of the greatest foundation for a future of some sort without her.
Having a purpose and a meaning provides a source and an anchor for a future.
Helping other people to be strong like Shani, or to smile like Shani.
Reminding the world to cherish every moment that you have with those that you love.
Fighting for what you believe in and not giving in until there is nothing left.
Loving our children.
Making Shani's memory a blessing.
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