Thoughts on Rosh Hashanah

I wrote this four years ago but didn't feel able to publish it at the time. 

This year I don't think I can find a way to engage spiritually at all. 

It's all just too raw, too intense, too full of rage and despair. 

But maybe I can take some small strength from the thoughts and memories of past-me, from the love of our wonderful family and friends and, in particular, from my inspirational wife and her amazing band of friends that undertook a marathon walk this week to Shine for Shani and help other heart children have a better future. 

Shana Tova.

Tuesday 3 September 2013

There’s a prayer in the Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year) service called Unatenah Tokef.

It talks about this being the time of year when God figures out what is going to happen to everyone over the next 12 months: who is going to do well, who is going to suffer; who is going to be healthy, who is going to get ill; who is going to live, who is going to die.

It fits in with the idea that Rosh Hashanah is supposed to be when we as Jews take stock of ourselves and decide what sort of person we’re going to be over the next 12 months and what we’re going to do to improve ourselves and the world around us.

The two are strongly coupled in that an ‘evil decree’ can be averted if we take it upon ourselves to genuinely commit to tefillah, tzedakah, teshuvah – to prayer: self-reflection and connecting with Godness; to charity: giving time and money to improve the world around us; to making ourselves a better person.

And that sort of works in the abstract – there’s the possibility of something bad happening in the future unless we take steps now to prevent it happening, so we’d better get praying and making things better. Then, at least if bad things happen we’ve made ourselves or the world a bit better.

But does it work if you’re already worried because there's a reasonable chance that something really bad could happen to someone that you love so dearly – who is going to live and who is going to die. Because now we’re not talking about incremental changes – this could be fundamental. Irreversible. There’s no way back.

So what to have in mind during Rosh Hashanah? How to pray? Can I ever pray enough? 

What if there IS an evil decree and I am unable to avert it?

And why??? Why me? Why Little S? She can't have done anything to deserve any of this?!

J and I have always tried to think positively, to make the most of what we've got and not to dwell on why this is happening.

Because to do anything else is futile and can only lead to madness.

So I guess we have to fall back on hope, faith and love.

To dare to hope that next year will be better, sweeter, happier.

To have faith that tefillah, tzedakah, teshuvah, that prayer, charity and self-improvement might just make Little S's chances better - after all there's nothing to lose and everything to gain.

And to love every minute with her and with all of her wonderful family and friends as, in the end, that is what's really important.

Shana Tova U'Mtukah - a very happy and sweet new year to all