Keep Talking

Tuesday 10 July 2018

Sometimes it can be the little things that knock me down.

I can be looking at my phone and see that the battery gauge is at, say, 62% and I'll think of Shani and the way that whilst she was in hospital we would continually watch the numbers, in particular her oxygen saturation percentage, the number that for most of us is normally at around 98% and for Shani was more like 70% for most of her life, and worry when it dropped to low 60's% as that meant that things weren't going well and that the nurses might need to intervene, or worse might not be able to intervene.

I can be looking at my phone and see that the battery gauge is at, say, 62% and I'll think of Shani and my breathing will get a little shorter, my anxiety level will rise slightly, I'll stop thinking about whatever I was doing, I'll start to feel down, my eyes will begin to moisten, my face crumple.

Sometimes the feeling will pass and I'll get back to doing whatever I was doing.

But sometimes the dam will break a little more and I'll fall, into despair, unable to do much apart from feel sad or angry or helpless, reliving the final dark dark days.

There's a silence surrounding me
I feel like I'm drowning.

Keep Talking, Pink Floyd

Sometimes just breathing leads to sadness.

I try to focus on breathing to cope with stress and grief - mindfulness helps steadiness in a storm of emotion or trauma.
But deep breathing, filling myself with life-giving oxygen, sometimes reminds of what Shani could not do.
And from there, sadness.

And then the times where nothing in particular triggers sorrow and rage.
An empty house.
A day out without her.
A difficult meeting.
A stubbed toe.

The way back can be simple - the storm passes.

But it can be hard, and there are things that can help.

One of them is finding space and breathing.

And one of them is talking.

This is talking.

Keep talking.

Keep Talking, Pink Floyd

For millions of years mankind lived just like the animals
Then something happened which unleashed the power of our imagination
We learned to talk

There's a silence surrounding me
I can't seem to think straight
I'll sit in the corner
No one can bother me

I think I should speak now
Why won't you talk to me
I can't seem to speak now
You never talk to me

My words won't come out right
What are you thinking
I feel like I'm drowning
What are you feeling

I'm feeling weak now
You never talk to me
But I can't show my weakness

What are you thinking
I sometimes wonder
What are you feeling

Where do we go from here?

It doesn't have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking