One little candle

Friday 28 December 2018

Sunday 18 November

Tammy's Bat Mitzvah, on the weekend of Sunday 18 November, was an intensely emotional roller-coaster.

It's something that we'd been looking forward to so much for so long, and yet mixed-in was an equal measure of anxiety and, to some extent, even dread.

The waiting had been extended for an entire year - Tammy's Bat Mitzvah was supposed to be in November 2017, around her twelfth birthday, but after Shani died in February 2017, we felt that it was far too soon just a few months later to try to create a happy celebration for Tammy.

So, with Tammy's agreement, we put it off for a year.

But even a year later the challenge remained - how to fill a weekend with joy and laughter and celebrate Tammy coming of age whilst not feeling that the whole affair was a sham, ripped apart by the massive Shani-sized hole at the centre of all of our lives.

How to smile whilst feeling like crying.

How to party with tears in your eyes.

How to be an amiable host whilst wanting to just curl up in a ball.

And as the day got closer, the feeling in the pit of my stomach grew - the dread that we wouldn't find a way to balance living and grieving on this most special of times for Tammy.

Of course, the answer was to bring Shani in and make her fully part of the occasion.

Not to pretend that this was a 'normal' celebration but to find the space for Shani and to recognize her absence fully.

And to realize ourselves that we weren't going to feel happy for the whole of the weekend but that that was ok, and we could always take some time out at any point should we need to, to cry and breathe and be with Shani for a moment.

And Tammy led the way for us.

We tried to build a ceremony for Tammy that allowed us and her to remember, commemorate and even celebrate Shani in a way that made sure that it was still very much Tammy's day.

There was Rainbow of Rhymes, the wonderful poetry book that Tammy had compiled in Shani's memory to raise money for Shine For Shani.

Within the Bat Mitzvah ceremony, family members lit candles and presented Tammy with blessings, and Tammy lit a candle for Shani:

My candle and blessing to Tammy

Tammy, your depth of strength and courage has helped you get through difficult times.

Life isn’t always easy, so if you’re finding things tough, be kind to yourself, talk to and stay close to those you love, and don’t give up.

Mummy and I love you very much     

Tammy's candle for Shani

Elooee n’ishmat Shoshana Esther bat Gittel Rahel v’Shmuel Leib.

For the lifting up of the soul of Shani, daughter of Juliet and Simon.

I’m lighting this candle for Shani whose smile lit up every room. 

May her determination to enjoy life inspire us all.

And somehow, when Tammy spoke at the party later that evening, she found a way to recite this poem to Shani:

My Shining Star

She was my shining star

My little candlelight

She was my bright rainbow

For she lit up my life

She was a tiny soldier who kept up her fight

Until she reached the end

She is still my sister

Still with me

And although she’s gone

Her memory lives on

In all of us here today

In every moment, every way

She will stay with me

Through night and day

Through dark and light

Through love and hate

She is an inspiration to us all

To live your life, however small

So the Bat Mitzvah was tough 

but it was also awesome, joyous, magnificent

a time to say that you can grieve and yet fully live in the same life

especially with the incredible support of wonderful family and friends

We gave the weekend balance and made sure that Shani was present and that we were as prepared as we could be

but the joy came from everyone around us.

Thursday 29 November

My birthday.

Not that I was expecting much following hard on the heels of Tammy's Bat Mitzvah.

I received a few cards and presents and the chance to work from home and have lunch with J which was lovely.

During the morning, I was on my own in the house and I began to think that this was a lovely, simple way to enjoy my birthday.

And then the floor gave way (metaphorically)

and the hole in my life opened up

my soul tore open

and I cried

and I cried

like i hadn't cried for months

I raged with tears

the dam burst

the flood gates opened

I was nearly washed away

but i must have tied myself to the side of the river just in time

for I found a way to rise back to the surface

I walked into the garden

and breathed

I cried again a couple of weeks later when I went to visit Shani in Bushey cemetery.

It was the first time that I had gone to see her on my own

but somehow that felt tempered by the fact that it was public place

you cry but you don't rage with tears

that I save for my birthday

Saturday 8 December

Chanukah

The fifth verse of the Chanukah song Mo'atzur is the one that describes the Chanukah story so it feels like the one that everyone should sing.

Last year however we didn't sing it as it talks about 'the miracles of the Shoshanas' - it used to be my Chanukah prayer for Shani but now it's another reminder of what's missing during this most child-oriented of Jewish festivals.

This year we tried, on a night when the four of us were together at home, and we cried, but we managed to sing it together

without Shani.

There is an article published by a woman called Rena Ariel whose daughter Hallel was born on Chanukah but killed by terrorists in Israel when she was thirteen.

Rena describes how somehow she has come to see the candles of Chanukah as providing light in the darkness and that her daughter's memory can hopefully do something similar.

It's an inspirational thought from a woman that's been to hell and back and is trying to work out whether and how to live the rest of her life. 

It's exactly how we try and think about Shani.

Let her memory be for a blessing.